Phantom Phight
by Phantomess of the Opera
Summary: Finally it's finished. You may now read the entire Phight from beginning to end!
1. Those crazy Phantoms

(The ALW Phantom and the David Staller Phantom are by the underground lake arguing)  
ALW: you STOLE my look! the half mask is MY thing!  
DS: I did not, ya big crybaby! And even if you did have the mask before, it looks better on me!  
ALW: However, I am a better Phantom than you!  
DS: In your dreams! I have divine inspiration! My music burns!  
ALW: Your music?! It SUCKS! You had maybe ONE good song in your whole SHOW!  
DS: You obviously don't understand genious!  
ALW: You are so full of yourself! Thinking you're all that!  
DS: Uninspired twit!  
ALW: Braggart!  
DS: Moron!  
ALW: Look...this isn't getting us ANYWHERE. We need a third party to decide who's the better Phantom.  
DS: Why don't we get Erique?  
ALW: Nope bias. He thinks just because Claude Rains played him that he's SO special!  
DS: You're right. Say! What about one of those looney phans?  
ALW: Yes! They instantly make goo-goo eyes over anything in a mask and cape! So they won't run away screaming, and they won't unduely favour one over the other!  
DS: Yes, my SUPIOROR INTELLECT has once again saved the day.  
ALW: Oh, shove it!....Hey, if you're such a genious, how are we going to GET a phan?  
DS: oh ye of little faith! You should know that the REALLY crazy ones always find their way down here eventually. No matter how good Opera security is!  
ALW: There's one now!!  
(A teen aged female phan is seen sneaking past with her hand at the level of her eyes, natrually she has a cloak and a Phantom t-shirt on)  
DS/ALW: Hey you there!  
Phan: (jumping about 5 feet) Yipe! Oh! Erik? (walks over to the Phantoms) TWO Eriks!? (beaming widly)  
(the two Phantoms are bickering madly about who is better. Finally DS stops and addresses the phan)  
DS: We have a little dispute that we'd like you to settle for us.  
ALW: Would you be so kind as to tell us who is the better Phantom?  
Phan: I have to CHOOSE!?  
DS/ALW: yes!  
Phan: (thinking) Wait a minute...Isn't Erik supposed to have a black full face mask?  
ALW: Oh God! She's a purist phan!  
DS: I like purists!  
ALW: You would!  
DS: Go kiss a Prima Donna!  
ALW: Haunt a community theatre!  
(At that moment who should arrive but the Lon Chaney version of Erik)  
LC: What are you two young whipper snappers arguing about now?!  
(Phan rushes to hug LC)  
Phan: YAAAY! Three Phantoms!  
LC: (carefully trying to disentangle himself from the frenzied phan) Affectionate child, isn't she?  
ALW: Hey! where's my hug?  
DS: Yes! How come he gets attention and we're left in the cold?  
LC: Obviously the girl understands about CLASSICS!  
Phan: Aww...I didn't mean to overlook you guys! (hugs them both) But you were fighting, and I make it a point never to interrupt Phantom's when they're dueling....It's hazerdous to my health.  
ALW: Wow...she pays attention!  
Phan: Of course I do! Hey, I got DOWN here didn't I?  
LC: She does have a point.  
(the Phan beams)  
LC:What were you two arguing about, you're agitating everyone.  
DS: He says that he's the greatest Phantom, and I say I am...So we got this precious little phan...  
ALW: Hey! No sweet talking the witness!  
DS: Anyhow, we decided she should settle things.  
LC: Admirable solution.  
Phan: I like it! (grins)  
LC: However, you failed to take one thing into account....  
DS: What?  
LC the fact that I am the greatest Phantom!  
ALW: oh boy....  
DS: Your movie doesn't even have musical numbers!  
LC: On the contrary, when I was first shown I had entire orchestras! Live sopranos!  
ALW: (muttering) But no dialouge!  
LC: We didn't need words, we had faces!  
Phan: (aside to ALW) ummm...he's not going to go Norma Desmond on me, is he?  
ALW: He's fine...He just gets caught up in the moment. You know how those old actors are!  
DS: Yeah like Colm Wilkenson!  
ALW: Now that was a low blow! I don't cast for my show! Besides, I've had WAAAY better people play me!  
(Just then the David Bishoff (sp?) novel Phantom comes bouncing along, his usual hyper-active self)  
DB: OOOOOOOooooh! What have we here? A young creature come to visit the lowly sad Erik (begins to bawl hysterically, the phan taking pity on the poor deranged thing and cuddling him)  
Phan: There there....it's all right....  
DB: Ah yes! Much better! hahahaha! (Bounces about laughing maniacally)  
LC: I thought the Kay version had you sedated.  
DB: You cannot control me! For I am the greatest person alive!!!! Ahahahaha!  
(the Susan Kay Phantom comes storming along after DB)  
SK: Where in the hell is he!  
DB: (bouncing around) You can't catch me! You can't catch me!  
ALW: Enough!  
DS: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't be giving him any more caffine....  
LC: (glowering at SK) It was YOUR day to watch him!  
SK: The wretched fool got into my music cabinet! He would have ruined all my compositions if I hadn't thrown him out!  
DS: (sarcastically) Oh, what a loss THAT would have been! I'M the only one here who can compose worth a damn!  
SK: Oh shut up! Going around slamming all of us, AND MOZART! (all gasp)  
DS: (sniff) I can't help it if I'M the best!  
(all the other Phantoms prepare for war. Each grabbing their punjab lassos. Except DB, who grabs that funky sword of his. The Phan watches horrified)  
Phan: STOP!  
(all look at her)  
Phan: Play nice! (Thwacks them all upside the head)  
Phantoms: (at one another) grrrr!  
(Just then the Phantom of Manhatten arrives *boo hiss*)  
ALW: YOU!!!! (jumping the POM and slamming him into the ground) You have SOME NERVE showing up around here!  
(everyone, including the phan glares at him)  
POM: (looking at the Phan) Hey....Aren't you supposed to love ALL of us?  
Phan: You get no pity from me, MULHEIM!  
ALW: Ohh! Slam! Not even the PHAN likes YOU!  
DB: Yeah, she's even nice to ME, and my version is on crack or something!  
MOB: But you can't kill me!  
LC: Why in heaven's name not? You give us all a bad name. And that's saying quite a bit.  
ALW: Yes, especially ME!  
MOB: But I AM you!  
ALW: Save it for Jekyll & Hyde. I don't care.  
(Along come the Herbert Lom and Claude Rains versions)  
HL: Good heavens, what ARE you doing?  
ALW: (strangling POM) killing this fool!  
HL/CR: Has he stolen your music?!  
ALW: No! No one has stolen ANYONE'S music except you two wanna-be losers!  
(Speaking of wanna-be's, the Phantom of the Mall and the Phantom of the Paradise show up)  
DS: Who would WANT his music?  
SK: You're about this close from getting punjabed...Erik writes good music!....Not as good as MINE, but....  
ALW: Will you two shut up?!  
POTM: Hey, who let the chick down here?  
Phan: I am NOT a chick!  
POTP: What's this about stolen music? Can I lodge a complaint?  
(POTP, HL, and CR scoot over to a corner to discuss having their music stolen while POTM slicks his hair and tries to look studly)  
Phan: Well at least SOME of you are getting along!  
ALW: It's not MY fault that this idiot of a sequel ruined my image!  
DS: (opens his mouth to say somthing, but SK nails him before he can)  
(Another large fight ensues, leaving CL, POTP, HL, and the Phan the only ones not pounding one another and flinging insults)  
HL: STOP FIGHTING!  
SK: Oh shut up you sissy! You've never killed ANYTHING in your life! You had your MIDGET do it for you!  
HL: (looking hurt) I do not need to kill. All I require is music. What goes on beyond that is not my concern!  
CR: Yes, but you SHOULD have gotten the bastard who stole your opera! But NO, he gets off scott free!  
HL: (turning away) It doesn't matter....  
(Robert Englund version joins the frey, grabbing POTM by the hair)  
POTM: hey dude! Watch the 'do!  
RE: I'm going to kill you just because I think you're a fop! And you have the best complexion here. I need a new face.  
POTM: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! (karate chop)  
RE: Ow! What the hell was that!  
POTM: Tai-bo! Living in a mall has it's advantages, I get all the cheesy work-out videos I want!  
RE: (Flips out that knife thingy of his) I WAS going to kill you first, but no I think I'll peel you alive!  
CR: I don't think you want him, Dessler. Think of all the acne!  
RE: You do have a point. (looking at the Phan) Hey, how'd we get a hooker down here?  
Phan: (flustering indignantly) Why you!  
LC: She is not a prostitute. YOU'RE the only one here that goes for that kind....Except maybe Raoul-in-a-mask there (indicating POTM)  
SK: You should be nicer to the lady.  
ALW: She came down to help settle an arguement.  
CR: (looking around) Well, considering everyone's at one another's throats, she isn't doing that well, is she.  
POTP: What was she trying to settle?  
SK: AGH! Don't talk anymore. You're voice hurts my ears, you giant mosquito!  
POTP: Well if you had a CONSOLE down here.  
ALW: Ah, but then you'd sound like Paul Williams. Not much of an improvement.  
POTM: Paul who?  
Phan: Paul Williams you twit. Pop musician from the 60's and 70's. He's ok.  
HL: I don't like his music. Hurts my ears to hear.  
POTM: Dude....  
DS: Who let you DOWN here anyhow? (addressing POTM) Didn't we throw you out?  
POTM: I always come back. Kinda like Scarface over there.  
RE: I'm cursed. Shut up.  
POM: (lying bleeding on the ground) umm...little help? (everone ignores him)  
LC: Get out, you play your damn rock and roll too loud!  
DB: I kinda like it. Very rythmic. (bounces around some more)  
POTP: Not exactly my style, but it's all right. Better than you old fogeys.  
DS: You must be INSANE! It's horrible!  
ALW: We outnumber you!  
CR: Leave them alone. They're only boys.  
ALW: Softy!  
SK: You ALWAYS take their side!  
CR: I just think we should be open to--  
RE: Why don't you shut your hole before I shut it for you!  
ALW: Right on Dessler!  
RE: No one asked you!  
ALW: I was only trying to be nice!  
RE: Go bend your skull staff!  
HL: Now THAT was uncalled for!  
(long awkward silence)  
POTP: Anyhow....what was she settling?  
DS: She was telling the rest of these buffoons, that I am the greatest Phantom!  
SK: Shut it, Narcissus.  
Phan: but you guys won't stop fighting long enough for me to get a word in!  
(The Charles Dance and Y/K version stoll in)  
CD: Have we missed anything?  
ALW: You mean like the entire plot of the novel?  
YK: Must you be so scathing?  
DS: He has an inferiority complex, so he needs to slander other shows to feel good.  
CD: You're not much better. Walking around like your music is the only thing worth listening to!  
DS: You don't even COMPOSE!  
YK: We don't have to. We're adorable. Says so in our fan mail.  
ALW: (rolling his eyes) Oh, my head hurts!  
Phan: Oops! I've been ignoring my huggage! (runs around and hugs everyone except for POM, who is STILL laying on the ground bleeding and the POTM, and she only shakes RE's hand because she's still miffed about the hooker remark)  
CD: And who is this adoring little thing?  
LC: The crazy phan that came down to decide who's the best Phantom.  
YK: Looks like we arrived just in time then.  
SK: You?! The best? I think not!  
YK/CD: Why not?  
Phan: Yeah, what's wrong with them? They're cute!  
SK: CUTE?! This is insufferable!  
Phan: Well you're cute too!  
SK: I don't WANT to be cute!  
DB: I do! I wanna be cute! (hops around the Phan)  
RE: Do you want me to hurt you?  
DB: No.  
RE: Then shut up and stop that infernal bouncing!  
LC: Thank you!  
RE: Be quiet.  
Phan: I think you're all cute!  
DB: Yay I'm cute! (starts to bounce, then thinks better of it)  
ALW: Really?  
Phan: Yup! (grins) Deformities and all!  
DS: (blinks) Wow.  
ALW: Someone call the Epoque! Narcissus is humbled! (grins fiendishly)  
DS: Oh shut up! Like you're not just as amazed!  
Phan: Well DUH! ALL the phans overlook the mask!  
LC: Heh! They haven't grasped the concept of the phans yet, my dear.  
Phan: I see.  
POTP: Shouldn't we be settling this argument instead of talking about who's cute or not?  
DS: The Rocky Horror reject is right!  
YK: Can't you be nice for just one second?  
DS: Oh go cry to your daddy about it!  
CD: Leave him alone!  
DS: Daddy's boy!  
(The Canary Trainer version arrives)  
CT: What's going on? Who let the kid down here? Where is that meddling Holmes?  
ALW: Calm down. You're even more paranoid than Erique!  
CR: But they're out to steal my MUSIC!  
SK: Riiiiight.  
CT: Who is she??  
LC: Calm down!  
Phan: I'll handle this. (takes CT's mask without blinking)  
CT: (making mumbling noises and gesturing frantically)  
DB: oooh! Cherades!  
ALW: What did you do? (to Phan)  
Phan: (grins) He can't talk without his "face" (holds up the mask)  
HL: She's good.  
SK: How did you know that would work?  
Phan: Said so in his book. His mom was even more whacked than YOURS!  
SK: Wow....I almost feel sorry for him.  
(CT is still flailing around and DB is playing cherades with him)  
LC: That worked rather well....Keeps two idiots occupied at once.  
(the Wishbone version and the Animated version come to join the fun)  
SK: (lunging at A) Cat killer! You stay away from my precious precious Ayesha or you'll be sorry!  
A: Come, come. I haven't touched your mangy cat!  
W: (muttering to himself) Stupid animals anyhow! Can you believe I was thrown over for a DOG!  
ALW: Weren't we all? That vicompte is certainly a mangy beast.  
W: No! Not figuratively! An actual DOG!  
(all the other versions laugh at him)  
A: Why are we all congregated out here? It's bloody cold!  
DS: Why do you have such a stuipd mask? It's bloody gay!  
A: I'm not gay! I'm just drawn that way!  
Phan: Oh leave him alone. He's precious! Just look at those eyes!  
A: I thought morphine boy and the Mosquito were the only ones on drugs here....  
LC: She's a phan.  
A: Ah! That explains it.  
W: Who let her down here?  
ALW/DS: We did.  
W: Why?  
ALW: She's going to decide who the best Phantom is.  
A: You're kidding, right?  
DS: Nope.  
W: Have we really become THIS pathetic? Wanting to know who the best insane masked man is?  
LC: We have something better to do?  
A: Good point.  
Phan: Ok...ok....I shall decide this by simple listing of pros and cons.  
SK: Sounds fair.  
Phan: Now....First question.....Any of you looking for a new protegee??  
All except DS: NO!  
DS: Sure!  
Phan: Ha! That was a trick question! No self resepecting Phantom would denounce his beloved (makes a face) Christine so quickly!  
(The Dario Argento version comes strolling along)  
ALL: Getoutgetoutgetout!!!!  
DA: What did I do?!  
Phan: You don't even have a MASK.  
DA: Neither does Freddy Krueger over there.  
RE: Watch it!  
Phan: Well, technically he does. It's just made out of human flesh.  
DA: My type of guy.  
SK: Get out, you're disgusting!  
ALW: Indeed. Tounges should be left in the mouth....Or in extreme cases, English pub grub.  
(ALL chase him out)  
Phan: And take this with you! (throws the POM after him)  
(The ORIGINAL Phantom walks in. The Phan immediately falls onto her knees and begins praying to him)  
O: (blinks) What are all of you DOING? What did I tell you about letting your strange little friends down here!  
HL: The dwarf is my personal aid!  
O: He's freaky!  
YK: And what about my acolytes?  
O: If I wanted a backup chorus I would have called the Pips.  
ALW: Be nice to the girl, Erik. She's one of the phans.  
O: Get up! Get up! (to Phan)  
Phan: (getting up quickly) Sorry....  
O: (shakes his head) What are you doing DOWN here? And what are you WEARING? (grabs her cloak that's too big for her and looks to be inexpertly sewn)  
Phan: Uhhh.... It's a cloak....  
O: It's the middle of summer!  
LC: You know how the phans are.  
CD: I think it's rather sweet....  
CR: If slightly deranged.  
O: I won't even ASK why you all let her down here!  
POTM: She came to settle an arguement.  
O: Oh God....Can't you handle ANYTHING on your own?  
SK: We needed a non-bias party.  
ALW: But she's not non-bias anymore! She's a purist!  
Phan: Well, none of you would be here if it weren't for the original novel!  
O: Indeed.  
DS: That doesn't mean he's the BEST though!  
O: It doesn't mean YOU are either!  
RE: Yeah, no kidding!  
POTM: I have the best hair!  
YK: No one cares about your hair!  
ALW: I've had the best actors play me!  
CR: I beg to differ!  
LC: Indeed! Lon Chaney was the greatest star of all!  
POTP: Who cares about silent movies?  
LC: They're CLASSIC!  
DB: They're boring!  
HL: But some of them had wonderful scores with them! Beautiful music!  
DS: Not near as good as I could compose!  
CR: Then why don't you have anything that's ever been PERFORMED!  
CR: Maybe someone STOLE it!  
YK: Stop gripeing!  
RE: YOU stay out of this!  
SK: Yeah. At least YOU had a mother who cared about you!  
O: MUST you bring that up?  
(about half the versions look on the verge of tears after the mention of their mothers)  
CT: (moans and mutters loudly)  
W: Oh, DO give him back his mask! He's making such awful noises!  
A: He makes WORSE ones when he can talk!  
(the Phantoms start fighting AGAIN, lassos, swords, axes, knives, and bows and arrows all being wildly flailed)  
Phan: STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!  
(All the Phantoms freeze, mid maul)  
Phan: Why are you fighting amongst yourselves? Shouldn't you be killing Raoul instead or something??  
RE: She's right!  
SK: To the Fop-House!  
(the entire mob of Phantoms and the Phan storm off weidling weapons and head towards where all the Raoul's hang out, picking up other phans along the way. And they killed the fops. And it was good. Afterwards they all went out for pizza and karaoke. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.)  
  
THE END 


	2. More deception! More violence! More POTO

Hey wow I got my lazy self around to writing another chapter for this thing. Anywho I STILL don't own none of these people. Probably never will. Ah, well. C'est la vie.  
Hey look I'm being user friendly. Here's a list of the abbrev. for the Phantoms.  
ALW- Andrew Lloyd Webber  
DS- David Staller  
HL- Herbert Lom  
POTM- Phantom of the Mall  
CR- Claude Rains  
LC- Lon Chaney  
RE- Robert Englund  
POTP- Phantom of the Paradise  
A- Animated  
W- Wishbone  
CT- Canary Trainer  
DB- David Bischoff  
DA- Dario Argento  
POM- Phantom of Manhatten  
POTA- Phantom of the Auditorium  
YK- Yeston/Kopit  
CD- Charles Dance  
O- Original novel  
SK- Susan Kay  
Hope that helps. :) Now on with the story!  
  
(It is the morning after the "Raoul Massacre and Pizza Party" all the Phantoms have gathered by the lake once more to discuss the events of the previous evening)  
ALW: Oh my. This is the last time I ever let the young one pick where we have dinner! (Glares at POTM)  
POTM: Look dude, it's not MY fault you got one with extra jalapenjos!  
SK: I should get out more. Pizza seems to have changed a lot since I was in Italy. It was like a completely different thing.  
CR: No offense, but I somehow doubt they had taco pizzas in Italy when you were there, Erik.  
DS: I can cook better.  
ALW: Will you just shut up for once in your miserable life! (groans and clutches his stomach)  
CD: I say. You don't look so good.  
Phan: (popping out of nowhere) Here's some Tums. They'll make everything better. I got some chocolate too if you want. It's a little melted though.  
O: (to the Phan) What are you still doing down here?  
Phan: Ummm...I'm hiding from the cops.  
YK: Why?  
Phan: You know that chandelier that's hanging in the auditorium?  
YK: Yes.  
Phan: It's kinda not hanging there anymore....and Lord Andy kinda has a new hat....  
RE: (laughs) I like this kid. Can we keep her?  
O: Abosuloutely not! You don't know where she's been!  
CD: Wait a second. Scarface here said something nice!  
RE: Don't get used to it, bastard.  
CD: Hey now!  
RE: It's TRUE isn't it. You were born out of wedlock. Your mamma was nothing but a two bit--  
CD: (attacks RE assisted by the YK and SK versions) How dare you!  
(Another large fight drags all the Phantoms in)  
Phan: (sighs and leans against the wall waiting until they're finished) Are you DONE yet??  
CD: He insulted my mother!  
Phan: Oh God. All any of you ever do is fight and bicker with each other! Can't you all at least TRY to get along? I love you all and it drives me insane when you keep fighting! (thwacks RE upside the head)  
RE: Now you're in trouble little missy!  
LC: (holding RE back) Now now. The girl has a point. We must be able to do something more productive.  
DB: I know! I know! Let's have a game!  
A: Oh yes. A game would be lovely!  
SK: He IS kidding, isn't he? Please tell me he's kidding.  
POTP: I don't think he is.  
CT: You know what I think?  
W: You're going to tell us anyway.  
CT: I think we should go back to the fop house. I don't think we got them all.  
HL: My God man! Haven't we shed enough blood!  
RE: Not nearly!  
DS: Who are you? Cruella deVille? Don't you have enough skin to keep that ugly mug of yours up fo a while.  
RE: Not like you got room to talk, freak.  
CT: We should be going back there, I tell you! They'll have gotten that meddling Holmes! Then we'll be in real trouble! I tell you we should go back and kill them all! We have to--(incoherant muttering as SK snatches his mask)  
SK: Useful trick. Now if I could only keep him from pacing up and down while I'm trying to sleep....  
RE: I wouldn't worry anyhow. We got 'em good. (picks up Richard's head *note: Richard was the Raoul for RE for those who haven't seen that movie*) Anyone want some soup.  
ALL: NO!  
  
(However, CT is right. They didn't get all the Raouls. There are still 4. Swan, Anatole, Inspecteur Dolbert, and a garden varietry foppish Raoul. They missed the massacre because at the time they were all out getting mocha lattes)  
Swan: (Looking around) Damn. A massacre. I guess there goes my idea for a Christmas special at the Paradise now that it's been done.  
Dolbert: You were gonna kill people????  
Fop: That's so....icky.  
Swan: I give the crowd what they want. I can't help it if what they want happens to be blood.  
Anatole: Ummm...riiiight.  
Dolbert: Perhaps we should take inventory to see if the rouges stole anything.  
Anatole: (grumbling) I could've thought of that!  
(they all start looking around)  
Swan: (panicked) They've taken my films!!!  
Fop: Ok, so you'll have to buy Faces of Death again. (shudder) What's the big deal?  
Swan: I thought I explained the importance of those films. If they get destroyed or I don't watch them every day I'm toast.  
Fop: Huh?  
Swan: I made a deal with the devil you moron!!  
Fop: Oh, like that guy in the opera Christine is always yapping about?  
Anatole: You mean Faust?  
Fop: Um, sure. Ok.  
Dolbert: I don't understand her fixation with this singing thing. MY work is SO much more interesting.  
Anatole: Get over yourself.  
Fop: I KNOW! This whole theatre thing is so totally benieth me. And it draws Christine's attentions away from more important things.  
Swan: Such as?  
Fop: Like one time when I went to show her my killer new manicure, she just wouldn't shut UP! (imitating Christine) 'Blah blah blah, opera! Blah blah blah, Diva! Blah blah blah, the little voices in my head!'  
Swan: (thinking) Hmmm...Christine....Pretty, nice voice, kinda ditzy?  
Dolbert: Yeah, that's her.  
Swan: (smugly) I've done her.  
Dolbert/Fop/Anatole: WHAT??!??!??!  
Swan: What? Like everyone HASN'T. I know she's done at LEAST 5 of those arch-enemy Phantom things of yours.  
Fop: Ew.  
Swan: Come ON! Get with the programme. (to Anatole) Have you done her?  
Anatole: Umm...well....yes...but--  
Swan: Ok. (to Dolbert) Have YOU done her?  
Dolbert: (embarrassed) Yes.  
Swan: (to Fop) Have you done her?  
Fop: Uhh...well no.  
Swan: Seriously?  
Fop: I came real close....but....I couldn't figure out how to do it.  
(All the other Raoul's laugh at him)  
  
(However the Raouls aren't the only problems the Phantoms have. The rejects have gotten together as well. POM, DA, and the Phantom of the Auditorium have all gathered together to seek vengance.)  
DA: They think they're all that just because they have all the little phans flocking around them.  
POM: Yeah! Just because they never dressed as a clown!  
POTA: Hate to say it. But dressing as a clown really is pretty stupid.  
DA: Yeah.  
POTA: And at least you two got in the ORIGINAL phic. The stupid author didn't even think enough of me to put me in there. Just in this dumb sequel!  
DA: Trust me. You didn't wanna be there.  
POM: It wasn't pretty.  
POTA: What really bites my cheese is that stupid Phantom of the Mall is with them! What's up with THAT?  
DA: No kidding. You know what we gotta do.  
POTA: What?  
DA: We gotta take 'em out! If we get rid of them, then WE'LL be the only Phantoms and all the phans will love US!  
POM: But we're outnumbered. REALLY outnumbered.  
POTA: What about the Raouls? A lot of them would just love the chance to ice most of those Phantoms.  
DA: Yes! Let's go get us some vengance for being left out of the spotlight!  
(They all set out in search of Raouls for backup)  
  
  
Well kiddies, that's all the time we have for this edition. If you like it tell me and I'll write more. If not. Then we'll just forget this little sequel ever happened. 


	3. Plan A

Still don't own these people. Some of them I wouldn't WANT to own. Yikes.  
  
(The Raouls are sitting around trying to decide how to get even)  
Swan: Does ANYONE have a plan?  
Anatole: What if we built this giant wooden badger--  
All: Shut up!  
Dolbert: You always have the STUPIDEST plans!  
Swan: No, that Raoul from the ALW musical had the stupidest. But he's dead now.  
Dolbert: This is serious. I'm going to call in my old roommate from the Academy for Anal Inspecteurs.  
Fop: You don't mean....  
Dolbert: Yes! Inspecter Javert!  
(a few minutes later)  
Javert: What is it you want? I AM chasing a con you know.  
Fop: Did ya ever catch that one you were chasing last time?  
Javert: Who do you think I'm chasing THIS time??  
Dolbert: We need help getting rid of some Phantoms.  
Javert: Then call the Ghostbusters! I'm busy! (storms off muttering something about needing to change his cell phone number)  
Anatole: (sarcastically) Yeah, that really helped.  
Dolbert: Better than your giant wooden badger!  
(the Phantom rejects show up)  
Fop: Oh God! Not AGAIN!  
POM: Calm down. We aren't here to maim you this time.  
DA: We've come to propose a deal.  
Swan: What kind of a deal.  
POTA: You want the other Phantoms dead. So do we. Let's collaborate.  
Swan: Yes, we were just discussing their demise.  
DA: Do you have a plan.  
Dolbert: Not hardly.  
POM: Here's a thought for you. That little phan of theirs.  
Anatole: What about her?  
POM: She knows EVERYTHING about those jerks. If we can get some information from her. We'll have their weaknesses.  
DA: All we have to do is get her and...extract the information.  
Swan: I like it.  
Anatole: But who's going to go into the lair to get her?  
Fop: Ooh! Ooh! (jumping up and down)  
Dolbert: (to Fop) If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times. The bathroom is just down the hall.  
Fop: No. I wanna go get her!  
Anatole: YOU?  
Fop: Yes. Obviously they've done something horrible to her to make her want to stick around, so I'll go save her!  
POTA: Riiiight. Is he making any sense to the rest of you?  
POM: Sadly, yes.  
Swan: Look Raoul. Just go down there and bring her back. Don't stop to fight the Phantoms or do anything stupid. Got it?  
Fop: Sure. (He runs off, hitting his face on the door on the way out)  
Dolbert: Think we should have mentioned it's a suicide mission?  
All: Naah!  
  
(Raoul notices the Phan climbing in the boat on the underground lake with a sack full of chocolates which the SK Phantom had become addicted to. "I don't care how good the damn morphine makes you feel, it's not good for you! Here, have a Hershey's.")  
Fop: (leaping at her and grabbing her) Gotcha! I'll save you! Let's go!  
Phan: (perfectly calm, if somewhat annoyed) What are you talking about?  
Fop: Um...I'm here to rescue you.  
Phan: I don't want rescued. Why don't you go play in traffic?  
Fop: Well...I have to bring you back to the fop house anyway.  
Phan: You're the hero right?  
Fop: (proudly) Yup.  
Phan: Uh-huh...and what makes you the hero?  
Fop: I'm the good guy.  
Phan: OK....And why are you the good guy?  
Fop: 'Cause I stop the bad guy.  
Phan: And what makes the bad guy bad.  
Fop: He did mean things. Like kill people, and spy, and kidnap my girlfriend.  
Phan: So he was bad because he killed people?  
Fop: Yeah.  
Phan: Like your friend Swan?  
Fop: Ummmm.  
Phan: And he was bad because he kidnapped.  
Fop: Yes...  
Phan: Like you're doing to me.  
Fop: Uhhh....(bursts out crying and runs away)  
Phan: (climbing back into the boat) Moron.....  
  
(Back at the fop house)  
POM: Where's the Phan?  
Fop: Well...she uh...she outsmarted me.  
Swan: Like that's a big trick....  
Fop: (to Swan) You're a meany poopy head.  
Swan: Never send a fop to do an evil genious's work.  
DA: I take it you're going to take on the little know-it-all next.  
Swan: Naturally. (Walks off)  
  
(the Phan is in the lair watching something on a projector. The Phantoms are out playing paintball)  
Swan: You're in a whole lot of trouble.  
Phan: (Not looking back) Oh, it's YOU. For someone who takes so many pictures of himself, you don't photograph well...  
Swan: Is that--  
Phan: Your home movies. Yup. (takes out a lighter and starts playing with it)  
Swan: What are you doing?  
Phan: Didn't anyone tell you I was a pyromaniac? (lights the film on fire, Swan runs out screaming bloody murder) What a dork.  
  
(back at the fop house. Swan looks like hell as he's now kinda melted looking)  
Swan: What say we switch to plan B?  
  
  
Sorry the only Phantoms in this episode were the crappy ones. But Next chapter there'll be more good phantoms. 


	4. Everyone wears a mask Some wear several

Okies. Don't own these peeps, yadda yadda. And yes I know this is a blatent Monty Python rip off. I don't care. I was in a silly mood.  
  
(The Raouls and Phantom rejects are sitting around)  
Anatole: Can we build the giant wooden badger now?  
D'aubert: No, that's stupid. We're going to build a giant wooden rabbit.  
Anatole: And this is better how?  
DA: Question.  
D'aubert: What?  
DA: What exactly does this rabbit DO?  
D'aubert: You'll see when we've finished.  
POTA: What do we have to lose?  
(A while later. After much cursing, splinters, and table saw injuries)  
Swan: Ok, so the rabbit's done. Now what?  
D'aubert: To the lair!!  
(They all wheel the thing down to the lair, running over the POM twice, although sadly he was not seriously injured. They float it across the underground lake and go into hiding. a few of the Phantoms emerge and bring the rabbit inside)  
DA: Now what?  
D'aubert: We wait until they're all asleep...then Swan, Anatole, POTA, and I will leap out of the rabbit. Thus taking them by surprise and completely unarmed.  
POM: Who leaps out of the rabbit?  
D'aubert: Swan, Anatole...oh...ummm.  
Anatole: I told you we should have built a giant wooden badger!  
(a noise startles them. They look up and see the rabbit, now on fire, careening towards them)  
All: AAAGGGHHHH! Run away! Run away!!  
  
(inside the lair)  
LC: I think we should just put them out of our misery.  
ALW: Did you see who was with the Raouls?? Betrayed by some of our own!  
Phan: I wouldn't worry TOO much. They aren't that smart.  
O: Obviously. Who builds a giant wooden rabbit?  
DB: Badgers are much better!  
O: Shut up.  
CT: (mumbling and flailing about)  
Phan: I told you guys not to hide his mask!  
SK: But we didn't hide it!  
A: We lost it!  
Phan: You what?!  
A: It was an accident. It was all Eric's fault!!!!  
POTM: It was not!  
LC: Oh really? Who was playing frisbee with it by the lake? Hm?  
POTM: Winslow threw it too hard!  
POTP: Not my fault you've got a sissy catching arm.  
POTM: I do not!!!  
Phan: Well, no sense arguing. But he does need another mask. He's driving me up the wall.  
RE: Want me to just kill him? Save us all a lot of trouble.  
YK: That's your answer to EVERYTHING isn't it? just kill it.  
Phan: Well he needs a mask. Now let me see....Who has tons of extra masks that they don't hardly ever use.....(gaze drifting to CD)  
CD: No! No, no, NO!  
Phan: Why not?? You have a TON! You can't possibly wear them all at once.  
CD: Watch me! (starts putting on masks one on top of the other)  
Phan: You're being childish.  
CD: But he'll get them all funky!  
Phan: (rolling her eyes) UGH! Fine, be that way! (turning to YK with puppy dog eyes) Pleeeese can he use one of your masks? He's driving me up the wall!  
YK: Well let's see. (rummaging through his masks) Not my formal one. He'll smudge it. I need my demon one in case I need to take some drastic action.... Then there's my...  
Phan: Never mind. I have one in my carry on at my hotel... I'll be right back. Please don't kill each other.  
W: Why can't one of you two just lend the silent wonder a mask?  
HL: Should she really be going out alone?  
CR: What are they going to do? Throw a badger on her?  
Phan: I'm not exactly helpless you know.  
LC: Obviously, but some of us do feel a little responsible for you.  
RE: We do?  
LC: Those of us with morals anyhow.  
RE: Hey! I may not be as classy as YOU but don't treat me like scum.  
DS: We wouldn't accord you the honor of scum.  
RE: Well la-te-da! At least I'M not a turn coat like the jerks with the Raouls. You'd be DEAD if I were!  
SK: You wanna bet?  
A:I could take you down!  
DB: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!  
RE: You stay out of this, ADD boy!  
HL: Someone hasn't been going to his anger management class.  
POTM: He went until he killed the instructor.  
Phan: I'll be back in a little while. Settle this. (Walks off)  
O: Well you have to admit. The instructor was a little too...sickeningly sweet.  
ALW: Why they let Barney teach it in the first place is beyond me....  
CD: (still shoving masks on his face while taking inventory) 26, 27, 28...  
A: You know you don't have to do that. She went to get a mask.  
CD: I just wanted to see if I could do it.  
W: You lead a sad sad life....  
  
(meanwhile back at the fop house)  
DA: All right, so Plan B failed too.  
Anatole: So now what?  
D'aubert: I'm calling my roommie again.  
POTA: He didn't help last time. What makes you think he'll help this time?  
Anatole: Inspecteur D'aubert is out of ideas!  
D'aubert: Shut up. (dials Inspector Javert)  
Javert's voice: What do you want? I'm busy? (sounds of running)  
D'aubert: Ah! Still chasing your con, eh? That's the spirit!  
Javert's voice: No...(more running) One of those Les Mis fans found me. I'm running for my life!  
Fan's voice: Come back Snookums! I want to give you a makeover!  
Javert's voice: Noooooo! (click)  
Anatole: What'd he say?  
D'aubert: When I figure it out myself, I'll tell you.  
Swan: We can't just sit around here. We have to do SOMETHING.  
Fop: I know!  
POM: This oughtta be good.  
Fop: Let's play Twister!  
Anatole: Somehow, that's not what we had in mind.  
DA: Why don't you sit down before you hurt yourself?  
(Fop crawls off dejected)  
(The Phan, having gotten her collection of masks from her hotel [a collection that would have rivaled CD's], is picking her way back to the lair. On her way she decides it might be fruitive to eavesdrop on the fops, and possibly take them down for the fun of it)  
POTA: Why don't we just make a full frontal assault and call it good?  
Anatole: They'd shred us!  
Swan: I don't care what we do. As long as we do something. And I call killing the Phan. I have a score to settle with her.  
POM: Not on your life! I'm taking her down! (grumbles) Lousy little Phan anyhow....Not being nice to me....  
DA: Oh cry me a river!  
Fop: No! She made me use my brain!  
D'aubert: ...I think we all know who wins the Pathetic Contest....  
(the Phan walks back to the lair feeling incredibly intellegent compaired to the morons in the fop house. Her good mood disintegrates when she finds the Phantoms once again fighting.)  
Phan: (sighs) Can't leave them alone for a second.... 


	5. Christine ehhhhhh

Still don't own these people. Yada yada yada. Um yeah. This is one of the many reasons you should never give me an open forum on one of my "days".  
  
  
(The Phan and all the Phantoms are sitting around the lair trying not to be bored crazy)  
RE: Why don't we just go to the fop house and kill them all?  
CR: It's not exactly like they're a threat you know.  
POTM: No kidding. I mean, like, if the chick could handle them how tough could they be?  
Phan: (shaking a fist at POTM) how would you like a fat lip?  
CD: Come on now....I know tensions are a little high but if we all kill each other it won't do anyone any good.  
LC: Anyone for Scrabble?  
ALW: (Groans) We played that last night. And you were cheating.  
LC: I was not.  
YK: We keep telling you. Solfege doesn't count as words. They're syllables.  
(just then the little electric bell rings, indicating someone on the lake)  
A: It's them!  
W: The Raouls!  
SK: About bloody time. (starts to get up)  
O: Where do you think you're going??  
SK: The siren is going to answer the door.  
O: Like hell you are! I designed the system. I get to kill them!  
Phan: Guys. Chill. I'll handle it. (before they can object she's up and at the lake's shore ready to kick some tail)  
Christine: (pulling the boat up) Erik? Is that you? You look shorter....  
Phan: Hey! I'm taller than you.  
Christine: (holding up the lantern) Oh! I'm sorry...I thought.  
Phan: Wait a sec. You're Christine aren't you?  
Christine: Yes. And you are...?  
Phan: (gives Christine an upper cut to the jaw, knocking her flat)  
(ALW, RE, POTP, SK, and O come running out to see what's going on. All have weapons in hand)  
ALW: What happened??  
Phan: Uhhh...Sorry. Automatic reaction.....  
O: You hit Christine! You hit my little Christine!!!  
Phan: It was an accident!  
ALW: Wait wait wait....YOU'RE Christine???  
O: Yes, MY Christine. What of it?  
SK: MY Christine!  
RE: MINE!  
(O, RE, SK, and ALW start fighting over the unconcious Christine. meanwhile the Phan and POTP have picked her up and carried her inside to the couch)  
SK: Hold on a moment. Where did she go?  
Phan: She's inside and you'll have to take a number if you want to see her. She's REALLY popular.  
(The Phantoms cram into the lair, knocking the Phan aside without even thinking.)  
SK: Let me through!  
ALW: Out of my way!  
DS: You stay away from her!  
POTM: Dude, man! She's stacked!  
LC: How vulgar!  
O: I should kill you for that!  
CD: Stop crowding her!  
SK: Give her some air!  
DB: She came back! She came back!  
CT: I knew the powers that be couldn't brainwash her!  
CR: Let me see her! Let me see my precious!  
A: Angel! My Angel!  
HL: How wonderful it is to have my brightest pupil return to me!  
Phan: Sheesh...I know when I'm not wanted....(Starts to walk off sadly)  
POTP: (stopping her) Don't be sad. You do a lot for us. They're just excited right now. I'd be the same if it were Pheonix in there. But they'll soon calm down. Why did you punch her lights out anyhow?  
Phan: Well...She hurt him....I mean them. Sorry. I'm still not used to thinking of the Phantom as being a collective thing.  
POTP: They seem to have forgiven.  
Phan: Yeah...well....I wish just one of them felt even a TENTH for me what they feel for her....  
POTP: You can't influence everyone you know.  
Phan: Like hell I can't! (leaps into the boat and starts rowing)  
POTP: Wait! Where are you going??  
Phan: I'm going to the fop house! I'm going to take the Raouls on myself and prove myself to all of you!  
POTP: Are you insane? All of them at once?! They'll kill you!  
Phan: Like hell! (dissapears into the darkness)  
POTP: (running back into the lair shouting) I know you're all just THRILLED about the little hussy on the couch! But right now I think you should be more concerned for that little Phan. She went to the fop house. Alone. To fight.... 


	6. and even more violence

Hey wow! Another Phantom version shuffled into the mix.  
  
(Phan bursts into the fop house fists up ready to fight)  
Phan: Let's party!  
Anatole: What the hell???  
Phan: C'mon bring it! I'm not scared of you guys! I'm gonna take you all down!  
Swan: Get her!!!  
(large fight, the Phan can't fight all the Raouls and rejects at once. She's losing. And badly. Luckily there's help hiding in the rafters.)  
T: Why don't you lay off the kid?  
D'aubert: What was that??  
DA: It's one of THEM!  
Fop: We're gonna diiiiie!!! (whines)  
POTA: No we aren't! Shut up. (hits Fop upside the head)  
(the Phan, slips out while the Raouls and Rejects are distracted)  
Phan: unnnngh.....ow.....  
T's Voice: Are you all right?  
Phan: Hngh? Oh....yeah. Fine.....  
T's Voice: I like the way you stood up for the others.  
Phan: Thanks. Why aren't you in the lair oggling Christine with the rest?  
T's Voice: Christine is my finacee. What do you mean oggling??  
Phan: Fiancee?!? Who are you?  
T's Voice: Find me and I'll tell you.  
Phan: (looks around) Theatreworks version.  
T: (stepping out) Huh? How'd you know??  
Phan: None of the others play hide and seek. And your the only Phantom who gets to live "happily ever after". (grins)  
T: Obsessive phan, eh?  
Phan: Damn straight.  
T: Let's get back to the lair. I'm anxious to see Christine. She's been on vacation.  
Phan: Uh...she may not be awake.  
T: Tired?  
Phan: Um, no. I kinda clocked her.  
T: You did what????  
Phan: It was an accident. Kinda.....  
T: Christ. Come on.  
(later. down in the lair)  
SK: (sarcastically) Well well well. The prodigal son returns.  
O: What's the matter? Your little singing acedemy go belly up?  
T: Real funny guys. A Phantom can't come back for a visit occasionally?  
POTM: What is this? Class of '81 reunion???  
Phan: Something like that.  
CD: Jesus. Are you ok?  
ALW: We were worried about you.  
Phan: Hmph! So worried you rushed to my aid I see!  
POTP: Please...don't be spiteful. That's Dessler's job.  
RE: Bite me!  
LC: Shut up will you?  
CR: (looking over the slightly mangled Phan) You don't look so great. Maybe you should sit down.  
A: Are you crazy? Going after those idiots alone....  
HL: You could have gotten yourself killed. (aside to T) By the by, I made up a job application for a position at your school. Get back to me on it.  
T: Um. Sure. Where's Christine?  
Christine: Right here dear. (embraces T)  
DS: I think I shall be ill.  
T: Is it MY fault all of you had to comete with morons and lost??  
W: Ouch. Okay. Just ouch.  
CT: It's a conspiracy I tell you! A Conspiracy!  
YK: And Sherlock Holmes and the aliens are coming to get you.  
O: We know. We know.  
CT: Well the ARE!  
DB: I saw an alien once!!!  
ALW: Sure you weren't just looking in a mirror?  
DB: We don't have any mirrors down.....HEY! That was an insult!  
SK: Very good. Only took you 5 seconds to figure it out this time.  
Phan: Just stop it ok? I'm sick to death of all of you at each others throats all the time so just STOP IT!!!!!  
CR: What's gotten into her......?  
DS: $20 says her pain killers warped her mind.  
LC: We're only ribbing each other a bit. We don't mean any of it. Well except Dessler, but he's a psychopath.  
RE: Thank you.  
Phan: I just don't like seeing all of you fighting...I just--(collapses and passes out)  
POTM: That can't be good.  
CD: (shaking the Phan) Come on. Wake up!  
SK: Didn't SOMEONE think to check if she had any extensive damage from her wounds?  
RE: I'm not the know-it-all doctor here.  
CR: Let's get her over to the couch.  
Christine: What happened?  
T: She did take some nasty hits from Swan and those turncoats.  
DB: Is she gonna be all right??  
ALW: Rotten bastards. Beating up a little girl.  
T: Well she did get a few good hits in....  
O: And she bested them when they came down here earlier....  
ALW: They still shouldn't have done it.  
RE: I say we go get them.  
SK: They've been thorns in our sides long enough.  
POTP: But first we need to make sure the phan will be all right. 


	7. A brilliant plan ?

Sorry I haven't updated in a while and this isn't very long. You wouldn't believe the insanity around here!  
  
Phan: Yucky....Whatever I ate don't let me have any more.  
ALW: (slightly confused) You didn't eat anything.  
Phan: Then feed me! What are you trying to do? Starve me to death? (Passes out again)  
W: That was odd.  
Y: You think she could be delirious?  
(later)  
Phan: (waking up) Erik...?  
All but HL/POTP: Right here.  
Phan: Hold on. Let me take inventory.  
CD: Are you feeling allright?  
Phan: Hmm let's see. I'm completely obsessed with Phantom of the Opera and I'm surrounded by concerned Phantoms....I don't see ANYTHING wrong! (smiles)  
SK: Definately back to normal.  
Phan: AB-normal, thank you very much.  
SK: Of course.  
T: Glad you're feeling better.  
Phan: Yeah....Uh, sorry about clocking your fiancee. I thought she was a different Christine, in which case she deserved it.  
T: What do you mean, "Different Christine"? There's only the one.  
Phan: For ALL the versions????  
T: Well....yes.  
Phan: In that case I'm NOT sorry I hit you. But I'm glad she chose you over a Raoul.  
Christine: May have taken me a while but I finally made the right decision!  
Phan: Taken awhile?  
Christine: Why yes. I've been divorced 17 times. (smiles stupidly)  
Phan: Whoa!  
T: Wait. You didn't tell me you were DIVORCED! Who did you marry for crying out loud?  
Christine: Well there was Raoul...Then Raoul, then Raoul, then Raoul, then Richard, then Anatole, then Raoul, then.....  
T: I don't believe this!  
Christine: Hold on. I'm not done! I haven't even MENTIONED my one-night flings.  
RE/SK: But you said I was the only one!  
SK: (glaring at RE) YOU?!? I knew you were a scoundrel and a bounder, but this crosses a line!  
RE: (Snarling at SK) I wouldn't have thought Christine would have gone for a stuffed shirt hoity-toity bastard like you!  
(SK and RE get into a catfight, T breaks down into tears, all the other Phantoms just stand around looking REALLY confused.)  
A: I feel so USED.  
O: Christine...? I don't understand.  
DS: Me neither! You put-out for those two dweebs but not for me?!  
Christine: Don't be ridiculous. Not JUST those two!  
ALW: You-you WHAT?  
CD: I feel like such a fool....  
Phan: (stomping up to Christine) Say g'night, Gracie! (lays Christine flat with a good sock in the eye) Oooh....That's going to swell and hurt SO bad in the morning. What a shame....  
Y: You HIT her!  
DB: You shouldn't hit her!  
SK: Oh my God...Christine!  
Phan: Oh GAWD! She plays you all for saps....TWICE over... and you STILL defend her! And it's not like I'm the only one who's punched her before. (turns to T) Right?  
T: It was an ACCIDENT!  
Phan: God forbid I would ever DROP A CHANDELIER AT HER FEET, hm? (turns to ALW)  
ALW: Point taken.  
Phan: Anyone else want to complain about it? (folds her arms and looks around at all the Phantoms)  
CR: Is there anyone here you don't have dirt on?  
Phan: No. Now if I'm not horribly mistaken we have some Raoul ass to kick.  
DB: (jumping around excitedly) Smashy smashy!  
RE: (grinning evilly) I'm gonna make me a fop-skin rug!  
Phan: Let's nail 'em to the wall!  
A: Maybe you shouldn't go. I don't know if you're up to it.  
W: He's right. You can stay here with the professor.  
HL: Indeed. We'll have scones and I'll play Beethoven. And then we can bake cookies.  
Phan: ........I'm coming with you guys. The non-violent poofta can hold down the fort.  
CD: You're going to get hurt again.  
Phan: Look, I'm a big tuff girl and I can take care of myself....and it just so happens that I have a wonderful and brilliant plan. (grin)  
YK: Do you now?  
Phan: Of course! It's my job to think up horrible deaths for Raoul.  
DS: She has less of a life than the rest of you bums.  
CR: Excuse me?  
POTM: Yeah, like, some of us actually had a LIFE before y'know we got screwed up and ended up down here with you freaks of nature.  
SK: Care to rephrase that?  
RE: Rephrase nothing! Care to step outside so I don't get blood on the carpet?  
T: So much bad karma....  
POTP: Nobody asked you!  
Phan: I do too have a life!  
(Yet another big arguement)  
Christine: (groggily coming around) Fight, fight, fight...that's all I ever hear when I'm down here. (passes back out)  
LC: Anyhow, what was your plan?  
Phan: They way I figure it, the fops are relying on each other for strength. As long as they're functioning as a unit they have some stupid idea they can win. It's way more fun to kill their morale first. So, divide and conquer. Set fop against fop. While they're busy fighting, we pick 'em off one by one and torture them to death. Great fun all around.  
CT: Divide and conquor! That's why we've been fighting so much! SHE'S A SPY! We're all going to die! It's a conspiracy I tell you! A conspira--  
ALW: (pounds CT over the head with a small candelabra) Ahh...silence...  
O: Nice work.  
Phan: So, what we need is a decoy. Someone to go into the lair of the beast and get them good and angry at each other.  
CD: It'd have to be someone they'd believe we'd throw out.  
ALW: I say we send M. Parfait in. (shoves DS towards the door)  
DS: You must be joking!  
A: Nobody's laughing, Giggles.  
DS: What about the deadbeat conspiracy theorist! He'll annoy them to death!  
SK: You know, he does have a point.  
Phan: Yeah, but that's almost too cruel. Even for the fops!  
HL: What about the psychopath?  
ALL: I resent that!  
HL: No...THAT psychopath. (points at RE)  
RE: Send me into that place as a spy and I'll rip your eyes from their sockets!  
POTM: Dude....like, chill!  
O: Gentleman. We have a winner.  
(everyone looks at POTM)  
POTM: Whoa....bummer. 


	8. Oh my God

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm slow. Been nuts here. I have a special surprise for y'all. A guest co-writer! My best friend Papi has agreed to help me with this chapter, and you also get a new phun lil phan, who just happens to be God. Things just keep getting weirder and weirder in this phic, eh? Anywho, here ya go!  
  
Phan: (to POTM) You're elected, bud. Do you know what you're supposed to do?  
  
POTM: Um...I think so. I tell the Raouls that you guys threw me out, and then I get them to rip each other's throats out. And whoever I don't get to, you guy'll fix. Right?  
  
ALW: Now the question is: can he remember the plan long enough to make it effective?  
  
RE: Can we make bets?  
  
LC: Betting is a filthy habit. And we ARE gentlemen. We'll have none of that.  
  
POTP: Gentlemen?  
  
Phan: Well, I should hope to kiss a duck you aren't LADIES!  
  
ALW: Well, the Phantom of Manhatten might be. Apparently he was seen in drag once....  
  
DS: He always was a bit...fruity.  
  
A: Let's get to this. I'm anxious to be rid of those fops!  
  
O: Indeed.  
  
SK: Out you go! (chucks POTM out of the lair rather uncivilly)  
  
HL: Did you have to be so rough with him?  
  
SK: Didn't we want this to look convincing? (wicked grin)  
  
YK: What if this doesn't work. What then?  
  
CR: He has a point. There should always be a backup plan.  
  
Phan: Got it covered, my lads.  
  
W: Oh really? Share with the rest of the class.  
  
Phan: I happen to be close personal friends with God.  
  
CD: You're kidding, right?  
  
Phan: Why should I be kidding? I'll prove it!  
  
T: (nudging O) Where did you say you found this one again?  
  
Phan: Hey God! C'mere!  
  
God: (appears in a puff of smoke and a red ball gown) You called?  
  
All but Phan: God's a....WOMAN?!  
  
God: And this is a shock because.....?  
  
DS/POTP: (drool) wow....  
  
CD: This isn't quite what I expected. But it's nice to know that God's on OUR side for once.  
  
God: What the hell do you mean "for once"? I've ALWAYS been on yuor side! It's just the whole Free Will thing backfired. Oops. (shrugs)  
  
CT: Free will is a conspiracy!!!!!!!!!  
  
God: Do you want me to smite you? Because I WILL!  
  
DB: Oooooohhhh. A good smiting! I haven't seen one of those in the longest time! (hops about excitedly)  
  
(Soon the POTM arrives at the Fop House to stir up trouble.)  
  
Swan: So, the Phantoms threw you out, did they?  
  
POTM: Yup. And I have the bootmark on my heiny to prove it!  
  
D'aubert: I think we can skip that piece of evidence.  
  
POM: How do we know you aren't still loyal to them?  
  
POTM: I can tell you where Winslow hides his stash.  
  
DA: Really...? (gets out notepad)  
  
Anatole: OK. Can you give us any IMPORTANT information?  
  
POTM: What do you want to know?  
  
Fop: How to take them down! (tries to look vicious. just looks stupid)  
  
POTM: Well...I know that...umm...uhh...that Opera thing they like is on Friday. They'll probably go to that.  
  
Swan: Excellent. Assasination during performances are the best.  
  
POTA: So, let's start planning our strategy for Friday!  
  
POTM: (trying to think of how to carry out his mission so the rest of the Phantoms and the Phan won't slaughter him) Um, who's going to come up with a plan? We need a really good one to get them.  
  
D'aubert: I always have the best plans. I'll come up with something brilliant!  
  
Anatole: Like hell! I can come up with something ten times betterer!  
  
D'aubert: Oh really?  
  
Anatole: Yeah!  
  
POTM: (aside) this is gonna be waaaaaay too easy!  
  
(Meanwhile, back in the lair...CT has been smoten by God and is twitching on the ground)  
  
DS: You know...I could show you a better way to do that.  
  
God: Who the hell do you think you are?  
  
DS: I am...whoever you want me to be (grin)  
  
A: Please tell me you are not trying to put the moves on God!  
  
DS: Why shouldn't I? She is the only one worthy of my perfection!  
  
God: Oh puh-LEESE!  
  
Phan: (picking on DS) You mean besides Christine, and that ballet chick, and whoever else you've had your mitts on?  
  
ALW: Anyhow. Can we get back to the problem at HAND?  
  
God: The problem has HANDS??  
  
Phan: (slaps forehead) Moving on...  
  
SK: And she became God...how?  
  
Phan: Long complicated story. You REALLY don't want to know!  
  
SK: I see.  
  
God: A few dieties had to be smoten. It's tough to take command of an entire universe!  
  
O: I'm sure...(to Phan) I'm not even going to ASK how you know her!  
  
Phan: (shrugs) You'd be amazed who you can find in chatrooms at 2 a.m..  
  
YK: Has William Blake actually met you? (to God, in awe)  
  
God: Yes...little bastard saw me in the shower! So I slowly drove him mad. (smiles proudly to herself)  
  
HL: (dryly) How very interesting......  
  
Phan: (whispering to HL) I wouldn't tempt her wrath if I were you. Just smile and nod.  
  
LC: (looks from Phan to God) You certainly have interesting friends.  
  
CD: If you're God, you can do miracles...can't you?  
  
God: What're you driving at?  
  
T: The same thing all of us probably are...  
  
POTP: Indeed. I'd love to have a real voice again. To undo that little...accident....  
  
God: Hate to say this, Winslow. But you sounded like a dying turkey.  
  
(POTP looks really hurt)  
  
CR: I think we'd all like to be normal looking again.  
  
SK: Some of us never had that luxery!  
  
T: Well then you just don't understand what you're missing!  
  
CD: Just because we've never been able to look like everyone else, you don't have to rub it in...  
  
O: Some of us didn't even have families to help take care of us. We had to deal without Daddums and Mum!  
  
YK: Are you insinuating that we are less deserving than you?!  
  
RE: Are you saying that YOU'RE deserving?  
  
A: What's wrong with him?  
  
RE: He's a weakling!  
  
HL: He's not a heartless bastard like you.  
  
W: (blink) You swore!  
  
HL: Forgive me. I just get so upset! I am a God fearing man. I think this whole thing is a mockery. I refuse to believe the afterlife is run by you! (points at God) The universe is not so badly constructed! There must be a greater plan.  
  
God: Maybe I'd reveal it if you'd all just SHUT UP!  
  
(everyone stops and looks at God)  
  
CD:...Going back to what I was saying before...  
  
DS: She has no time for your petty wailings.  
  
ALW: I didn't hear HER say that....  
  
DS: I'm in no mood for you. (pushes past) Now, I have things to discuss...(takes God's hand)  
  
God: (slaps DS) ACK! (turns attention to CD) Yes darling?  
  
CD: I was wondering...if...well...a miracle?  
  
God: Well, what about it?  
  
RE: What he's trying to ask is for you to fix his ugly mug.  
  
CD: That you for putting that so...tastelessly.  
  
RE: (grins) Any time.  
  
Phan: But I like you the way you are. (smiles at CD)  
  
CD: I've heard that one before!  
  
Phan: Yeah. But I don't have a nervous disposition. (bats eyelashes)  
  
CD: Uhhhh....  
  
God: (shoving Phan aside) I've seen your face before. It's fine.  
  
Phan: (shoving back in) I think he's very cute.  
  
God: (turning on Phan) I think he's handsome!  
  
Phan: (puffing up to God) I think he's gorgeous!  
  
God: (puffing up even bigger) Well I think I'M God and I can do anything I WANT!  
  
Phantoms: (blink. confused look) ....  
  
O: Are you two quite all right?  
  
Phan/God: (still glaring each other down) FINE!  
  
T: Are these two making anyone else incredibly uncomfortable? (most of the Phantoms nod)  
  
RE: (grins) Catfight. Wish we had a mudpit. (God and Phan turn and give a deadly look to RE) Just kidding.  
  
(In the Fop House)  
  
D'aubert: I am a POLICE OFFICER! OF COURSE my plan will work!  
  
Anatole: Your plans NEVER work!  
  
POTM: (nudges POM) How long can they keep this up?  
  
POM: All day. Shame when egos get in the way, ins't it?  
  
(D'aubert and Anatole get into a slugfest)  
  
Fop: We should do something. They'll kill each other!  
  
Swan: Do you really think so?  
  
(Finally Anatole gets up from the scuffle. D'aubert, however, does not)  
  
POTA: Did you...?  
  
Anatole: I...he just...damn....  
  
POM: I can't believe you had the GUTS to kill him!  
  
DA: No kidding! I always pegged you fops as a bunch of pooftas.  
  
Swan: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
DS: That you don't have the balls to kill like us!  
  
Swan: Want to bet?  
  
POTM: Swan...don't be upset just because we're better murderers than you.  
  
Swan: You are all going down!  
  
(Later that evening, in the lair. The Phantoms are all sitting around watching the Phan and God fighting)  
  
Phan: A fat lot of good you did them when they needed you most!  
  
God: How else are they supposed to learn?  
  
Phan: Learn what?  
  
God: Life sucks. But I didn't see you around to spare them from getting hurt!  
  
Phan: I would have been there if I could have!  
  
LC: (breaking in) Excuse me...but perhaps I could interject for a moment?  
  
Phan/God: What?!  
  
LC: The Kay novel made tea. Do you want some?  
  
God: Only if there's pie too!  
  
Phan: Thank you. I'll have a cup....(glances at God from the corner of her eye) and I don't NEED pie.  
  
CR: I think I speak for all of us when I say, you two are scary.  
  
God: DUH!  
  
HL: All the fighting....  
  
Phan: Sorry...  
  
God: It's just we love y'all so much!  
  
CD: What?  
  
Phan: (snugling up to CD) You guys are ADORABLE! What's not to love?  
  
God: (snuggling on the other side) No kidding!  
  
CD: Uhhh...thanks...I think.....  
  
(Back at the Fop House)  
  
Swan: That'll teach you to mess with me!  
  
Fop: (pokes at the lifeless bodies of POTA and Anatole) Did you really have to kill them?  
  
Swan: Do you want to be next?  
  
Fop: Eeep! No!!!  
  
DA:Well THIS is really helping. Shouldn't we be organizing a plan to kill the Phantoms rather than each other?  
  
POM: Yeah. Come on, Eric. You must have some information we can use.  
  
POTM: Uhhhhh...I like CHiPs?  
  
DA: Yeah...that was REAL helpful.  
  
POTM: Leave me alone!  
  
DA: Dork.  
  
Swan: Imbicile.  
  
Fop: Dumb-dumb head!  
  
POM: Fop!  
  
Fop: ...HEY!  
  
POM: Whoops. my mistake. I forgot.  
  
Fop: You meany doodey head!  
  
POM: Don't make me hurt you squeeky.  
  
Fop: grrr. (trying to look fierce. think angry ball of fluff)  
  
(another large fight. Well, not so much large. Basically one good hit from POM and the Fop falls over dead.)  
  
Swan: It's about time someone killed him!  
  
(And finally, back at the lair, God and the Phan are having a tug-o-war with CD)  
  
God: I think he's cute! (tugs CD)  
  
Phan: I think he's adorable! (tugs CD)  
  
God: I wanna smooch him! (tugs CD)  
  
Phan: I wanna snuggle him! (tug CD)  
  
CD: I want a Dramamine!  
  
O: (walks into the room) What's all this then?  
  
God: Hey look! Another one! (shoves the Phan at O)  
  
Phan: Arg!  
  
O: Hello there. Are you all right?  
  
Phan: (unruffling herself) Perfect. Ab-so-shaggin'-lootly perfect....  
  
God: (squeezes CD) Hiya Charlie!  
  
CD: My name isn't Charlie...  
  
God: Can I call ya Charlie anyhow? (grin)  
  
Oh my! Will the two girls stop bickering? Will POTM carry out his mission successfully? Will the Phantoms go insane because of the two teenage girls fighting over them? Will I stop asking these annoying questions?? Stay tuned for our next surreal installment! 


	9. It's over now, the Music of the Night

Finally, the much awaited conclusion. Still don't own these people, but after this chapter that won't particularly matter because I won't get to play with this set anymore *sniff* oh well. I also must explain the Theory of the Lawnchair. Everyone's brain sits on a lawnchair in the gutter. When the lawnchair breaks the brain falls into the gutter. Thank you  
  
(in the lair, God has taken over ALW's lap and is singing a bawdy chorus of Bring on the Men much to the discomfort of ALW and any other Phantom within earshot. She stops as the Phan wanders into the room.)  
  
God: Hiya Duckie!  
  
Phan: (raises an eyebrow) Hi.  
  
ALW: (looking pitiably at the Phan) Help.  
  
God: Hush. You're here to look sexy and be comfy, not to talk. Although singing would be ok.  
  
Phan: You're enjoying yourself aren't you?  
  
God: Immensely.  
  
Phan: Let him up.  
  
God: I dun wanna!  
  
Phan: Why don't you go sit on the cheap knockoff (indicates DS who is trying to preen without a mirror) He's been struting around for days trying to get your attention. If you don't throw him a bone soon he's going to pull a muscle.  
  
God: But I'm having such a good time watching him bust his ass to get my attention.  
  
Phan: It is pretty funny.  
  
God: Besides, I'm rather enjoying this one at the moment (snuggles ALW)  
  
Phan: I thought you had hot pants for Carrier?  
  
God: Charlie's hiding. (scowls) Oh, yeah. I got a bone to pick with you! (reluctantly lets ALW up and he immediately scurries away)  
  
Phan: What'd I do?  
  
God: You gave the Phantoms a heads up on my invisibility trick. Now they wear swim trunks in the shower. Ruined my fun....Now that I peeked in the first place, mind you.  
  
Phan: Uh-huh. And that's how you know they now wear swim trunks.  
  
God: I'm omniscent.  
  
Phan: Uh-huh.  
  
God: And omnipotent.  
  
Phan: And still you can't fix your lawnchair.  
  
God: Oh, shut up. You're no better. I know you'd jump them if you thought they'd let you.  
  
Phan: (shrug) I'm a phan. It's what I do. And at least I don't peep at them in the shower.  
  
God: Only 'cause you don't know how to do it without getting caught.  
  
Phan: The point is I dont' do it.  
  
(There is a beeping sound)  
  
God: That's my pager! (pulls pager from somewhere within the fluffy skirts of her ball gown) I gotta run. Crazy suicidal Palastinian/Israelies. Me dammit! Give my best to the Phantoms, Duckie. (vanishes in a pink bubble a la Glinda the Good Witch)  
  
Phan: All right fellas, you can come out now.  
  
SK: Honestly, I don't know where you'd pick up someone like that.  
  
(Meanwhile at the Fop House)   
  
POM: This is pathetic. We're getting killed off, and it's not even those other jackasses that are doing it.  
  
Swan: My friends, I smell a rat.  
  
DA: Um....one second. (quickly shoos all the rats out of his room and looks embarrassed)  
  
POTM: What was that all about?  
  
Swan: You REALLY don't want to know, but that's not what I'm talking about.  
  
POM: Yeah, we weren't having these problems until YOU showed up (turns on POTM)  
  
POTM: Hey, what are you saying?  
  
DA: I think he's saying that you don't belong here, punk.  
  
POTM: WAIT! I CAN EXPLAIN!  
  
(POTM is attacked by the remainder of the fops and wanna-bes.)  
  
(back in the lair)  
  
O: Eric's been gone a while. Perhaps someone should check on him.  
  
LC: I'm sure the boy is fine. It's not a difficult mission, and he doesn't need us looking over his shoulder.  
  
(the electric bell sounds)  
  
ALW: Someone's on the lake!  
  
Phan: May I answer?  
  
CD: No, Destler needs to vent some steam.  
  
RE: (grins wickedly) Fresh meat. (flips out his knife and walks out the door.) God damn it! Someone beat me to him.   
  
(ALL rush out to see what's going on, a dead body with a knife in it's back and a note pinned to it's shirt floats towards the landing)  
  
W: Not ANOTHER one. Does this lake look like a morgue?  
  
SK: Hold on a minute.....Isn't that our mall crawler?  
  
HL: My God, you're right.  
  
A: Let's go fish the poor sot out.  
  
O: He's fine, eh? (glares at LC)  
  
CR: Leave him be. No one expected this.  
  
(a couple of the Phantoms bring the body in. DS grabs the note)  
  
DS: Dear God! This penmanship is atrocious!  
  
Phan: Give me that you twit! (snatches the note)  
  
DB: (hops around the Phan) What's it say?  
  
Phan: "Your turn."   
  
POTP: This doesn't bode well.  
  
YK: Let's take the body inside. We can bury him in the wine cellar.  
  
W: What are we going to do now? Our plan failed.  
  
Phan: I'll see if I can contact God and have her smite them. (takes out her cell phone and tries God)  
  
RE: Screw God! I say we go there ourselves and take them apart!  
  
LC: We are NOT storming in there without a plan. For all we know they have their place boobytrapped.  
  
CT: He's right! They'll have the whole place trapped! They know us too well! They may be watching us as we speak!  
  
CD: Calm down. You make him look comatose. (indicates DB)  
  
Phan: I got her voicemail. OK, so God's busy and the initial plan failed. I'm out of ideas. Anyone else?  
  
ALW: What if we killed off one of them and took their place?  
  
Phan: Oh, yeah. We all know how well THAT works, Don Juan.  
  
O: No, wait. He might have something there.  
  
DS: My guess would be fleas.  
  
SK: That's IT! I'm revoking your speaking privalages!  
  
DS: Screw you.  
  
A: Ew.  
  
Phan: Shut up, the lot of you. I want to hear what Erik has to say. Go on. (looks expectantly at O)  
  
O: Thank you my dear. As I was saying, he may have something in that they didn't trust Eric. He wasn't know of them, not familiar. However, if we enlist the aid of someone they trust....  
  
Phan: (beaming) Oh, you're so clever and devious! I could kiss you! (Gives O a peck on the cheek)  
  
DB: Hey, I'm devious too! (pouts)  
  
(a lot of the Phantoms look jelous. Not that they find the Phan to be a particularly interesting specimen of femininity. Especially since she isn't overly feminine anyhow. It's just the fact that O got a smooch from something that closely resembled a girl and they didn't.)  
  
Phan: (grins) Aw, if you guys want a kiss or....anything else....(truly pathetic attempt to look seductive, complete with wink and shoulder roll) All you have to do is say.  
  
POTP: (pretending that little move from the Phan never happened) ....We were coming up with a plan?  
  
A: But this is far more amusing. Females don't flirt with me much, or any of us for that matter.  
  
CD: Personally, I've had enough female attention to last me a good long while. (everyone kinda looks at him funny) I was molested by God (looks embarrassed)  
  
(ALL gape at CD.)  
  
DS: You luck son of a bitch!  
  
SK: I thought I told you to be quiet!  
  
RE: I know a way to shut him up. (holds up surgical thread and hooked needle for skin sewing)  
  
HL: Nobody is sewing anyone's mouth shut.  
  
YK: Can't we just lock him in a closet or something?  
  
T: (dryly) Or chuck him in the lake?  
  
CR: Forget all that. Let the little weasel alone for the moment. We need all the brainpower we can get right now, even if he is a nitwit.  
  
LC: So....so far the only thing we have for a plan is that we need someone they trust to send in that will also serve our interests. That's a bit of an oxymoron.  
  
DB: Who are you calling a moron??  
  
DS: OXYmoron you moron.  
  
DB: Oh. OK.  
  
O: Might I suggest the good Daroga?  
  
SK: He's too good. He'd never go in for something like this. He's a complete stick in the mud.  
  
Phan: (pointing to the still unconcious Christine on the couch) What about Sleeping Bimbo?  
  
YK: Absolutely not!  
  
CT: (narrowing his eyes at the Phan) Send her inot the Fop House? A highly suspicious tactic.  
  
RE: I'm with him. We want to keep Christine away from them.  
  
O: On top of that, she'd never agree to it.   
  
CD: Her nature is far too delicate to permit killing or injuring them.  
  
POTP: (catching on a bit faster than the rest since he doesn't have any borderline obsessive tendancies toward Christine) She doesn't have to. They'll do it themselves. She only has to be an instigator.  
  
LC: I tell you, she doesn't know how.  
  
Phan: She did a good enough job with all of you.  
  
W: What do you mean?  
  
Phan: The second she shows up you all go nuts. I'm amazed you didn't shred one another.  
  
ALW: Then all she has to do is show up and be herself. Maybe flirt a bit, they'll do the rest?  
  
RE: That's fiendish.  
  
Phan: (grins) I do try.  
  
CR: But what about the danger?  
  
POTP: What danger?  
  
A: If they should suspect the intent...  
  
CD: She may be accused of being a knowing party in all this.  
  
SK: They may hurt her.  
  
T: If she thinks she's being used she'll be upset.  
  
DS: (mockingly) And that could seriously compromise your engagement.  
  
RE: (snarls) She might even break it off.  
  
T: (noncommitally) She may.  
  
A: You're only looking out for your own interests. I don't know if your point of view is relevant.  
  
CR: Lay off the lad.  
  
CT: No! They're right!  
  
O: You're mad! He's only trying to protect her from emotional trauma.  
  
SK: The engagement is irrelevant, is somewhat annoying to the rest of us.  
  
YK: This is a bad idea. We can't just send her in like this. It's wrong.  
  
T: I suppose the bottom line is that it's her choice. If she agrees than I suppose I'm for it.  
  
HL: I can't imagine why she would agree.  
  
LC: Well it doesn't hurt much to ask.  
  
Phan: I'm on it! (shakes Christine) Wake up!  
  
Christine: Huh?  
  
Phan: You wanna get punched in the jaw again, princess?  
  
Christine: No!  
  
Phan: Good. (turns back to the Phantoms) She's agreed to help.  
  
W: Somehow I don't think that was exactly fair.  
  
ALW: Do YOU want to argue the point with her?  
  
W: Erm....no.  
  
ALW: I didn't think so.  
  
(The Fop House)  
  
Swan: Got any threes?  
  
DA: Go fish!  
  
POM: Arg. This is boring. When are we going to get them?  
  
Swan: Patience, my friend. Knowing them they'll hatch another scheme and send some other pathetic loser to finish the job the other pathetic loser started.  
  
DA: I hope they send that snot nosed Phan. I'll kill her myself.  
  
POM: (snarls) Not if I get my hands on her first.   
  
(Knock at the door)  
  
Swan: Gentleman, let the games begin (Opens the door fully prepared to pound the daylights out of whoever walks through, except that the whoever is Christine)  
  
POM: Christine?! What are you doing here?  
  
DA: I thought you were marrying one of those other jerks.  
  
Christine: He's having second thoughts. (pouts prettily and lays on the innocent routine thick)  
  
DA: (shoves POM out of his chair) Have a seat.  
  
POM: (trips DA and schmoozes with Christine) Can I get you something?  
  
(Swan hangs back and watches, suspicious)  
  
Christine: (smiles, ignoring Swan) No thank you. (bats her eyelashes)  
  
DA: (hits POM in the back of the head) How have you been?  
  
POM: (gets up and elbows DA in the gut, hard) What do you mean your fiancee is having second thoughts. Any man would be lucky to have you (smiles sexily)  
  
DA: (stomps on POM's foot) Indeed.  
  
Christine: I don't know. He spends all his time with the other Phantoms...and he pays more attention to that Phan than me...(pouts)  
  
POM: That's terrible. (punches DA in the face)  
  
DA: Awful. (knees POM in the groin)  
  
Christine: I just don't know what to do.  
  
(By this point the two wanna-bes are in a knock down drag out fight over who gets to talk to Christine. Fortunately they end up killing one another)  
  
Christine: Oh my...........I didn't think they'd actually do it.  
  
Swan: Do what, Christine?  
  
Christine: Ummmm....(searching her ditzy little brain for something to say)   
  
Swan: This was a setup wasn't it?  
  
Christine: No! of course not!  
  
Swan: (snarls) Oh, but I think it was! (tries to grab Christine but she's too quick and takes off running towards the lair screaming bloody murder)  
  
(The lair)  
  
(a furious pounding is heard on the door)  
  
SK: Who on Earth--? (opens the door and Christine rushes in and slams smack into him) Christine? Are you all right?  
  
Phan: Did it work?  
  
Christine: (glares at the Phan) I hate you! You ane your bloody horrible plans! You're as bad as them! (points at the Phantoms) I don't know how I let you talk me into all this! I'm not a murderer like you are and now Swan's trying to kill me! I hope you're happy! I hate you all! (the bell sounds, indicating someone on the lake) EEEP! Hide me!  
  
LC: In here (quickly usher's Christine into a back room where she'll be reasonably safe)  
  
Phan: What a two-faced little bitch!  
  
Swan: (storming in and looking mad as hell) Where are you hiding that little tramp?  
  
RE: (glowers) Swan, for your last meal, I'm going to make you eat those words!  
  
O: We've had just about enough of you, Swan. And I don't believe you're in any position to be threatening us.  
  
DS: As I see it there's one of you and 16 of us.  
  
Swan: (spots the Phan) Fine, hide the blonde bitch. But I'm getting you at least little missy. (runs at the Phan. it takes a second for the Phantoms to figure out what's going on before they pull him off of her, although there wasn't much need because the Phan apparently had a pocket knife which she put to good use in Swan's chest)   
  
Phan: (smiles viciously) Never underestimate a phan.  
  
ALW: (checking Swan) He's dead.  
  
RE: (pulls the Swiss army knife out and looks it over.) Hey, I could use something like this (wipes off the blade and pockets it)  
  
Phan: I believe that handles your pest control problem.  
  
O: Thank you for the assistance.  
  
A: I had no idea phans were so useful.  
  
Phan: We do it out of love. (smiles sweetly)   
  
SK: Well....I guess that's that.   
  
CR: You will stay in touch won't you?  
  
Phan: In touch. With what?  
  
LC: Us of course. Write when you get home and all that.  
  
W: Or visit when you're in town.  
  
Phan: Oh....but....I was kind of thinking that this could be home. I like it here, and I don't want to go anywhere else.  
  
YK: You don't?  
  
Phan: Hell no!  
  
POTP: So you're staying?  
  
Phan: Yeah. I guess I am. Besides, someone should look after you all. And I can be useful, run errands and spy and stuff. If you'll let me stay.....  
  
O: Well....what do all of you think (looks at the other Phantoms)  
  
CD: At least she's useful.  
  
RE: And she sure as hell isn't dull.  
  
HL: And she can help me keep some of you ruffians in line.  
  
POTP: Great.....Now we have a whole slew of Phantoms plus a Phantomess!  
  
Phan: Phantomess....hmm....I like it. (grins)  
  
(A lovely FIN comes up and God comes flying in looking a lot like Tinkerbell and waves her magic wand.)  
  
THE END 


	10. Epilouge

Yeah, yeah. I know I said the last chapter was the end, and this isn't really a chapter, just something to take care of a few loose ends that were eating my brain and smacking me upside the head. Anyway, here it is.  
  
Epilouge  
  
After the bit when Swan chased Christine down to the lair she declared that the Phantoms, Raouls, and everyone affiliated with them could all just go to hell. At which point she broke off her engagement with T and moved to Las Vegas where she became a pathetic crack-whore wanna-be showgirl. T refused to speak to the Phan for a period after this except one morning at breakfast when he asked her to pass the jam, which she immediately dumped onto his head in protest of his childish 'silent treatment'. T now takes his toast dry.  
  
The Phan did indeed move in and much to the dismay of the Phantoms invited God to tea once a week. This practise was discontinued when CD came up missing for several days after one of her visits. He was eventually found in a closet muttering something about "42" and mice. Whereupon God was forbidden to EVER enter the lair AGAIN. This decision was later enforced by an interdimensional restraining order.  
  
At one point the Phantom from the novel Maskarade (sic) demanded to know why he wasn't in the story. The author informed him that he didn't count and told him to piss off.  
  
Two days later the Phantom from the Dark Horse Comics' Sherlock Holms Meets the Phantom of the Opera appeared. He also wanted to know what he wasn't in the story. He was informed that it was because he was basically the SK novel in comic book, that's why. He then pointed out that YK and CD were virtually identical as well. Not to mention POM was also basically the ALW. At this point the ALW and the Phan beat him about the head and shoulders until he took the last bit back.  
  
Several other minor Phantoms showed up including, but not limited to, that one Gremlin from Gremlins 2, the jazzed up Phantom from Beetlejuice's Graveyard Revue at Universal Studios, Bob Bastard from Dilbert, as well as some versions which (gasp) the author had not yet seen. They were quickly informed where to shove it.  
  
The Persian also stopped by, took one look at the Phan, shook his head, and left. The author is now happy.   
  
If you feel something is still amiss please direct all comments to the review page. You never know, I may answer them. Thank you. 


End file.
